Daring to Dream Again

John McFadden

Today is 3 months since Lindsey McFadden passed away. I can say I am a bit better than I was last week. This slow dawning that every dream we had that involved the special “us” she and I created died with her has been the hardest thing to accept.
Amazingly she would be 2 months and 8 days into a new great job in Texas and laughing and having fun while living with my mom and dad. Getting to play everyday with Becca‘s kids. Its these kind of thoughts that haunt me the most thinking how happy she would have been in this life we were on the cusp of making happen.

I would have been missing her like crazy while getting things ready here so I could join her in the spring. Now I’m just missing her period like crazy. I miss her smile. I miss her grumpiness when she needed to eat. I miss the things lovers only know. The silly tender talk in the house, our walks together with the dogs. I miss tending to her when she was sick or had a headache. I miss her cheer leading me when I was down. These things and so many more.

All these things are precious and I carry these and much more forward as gifts we shared between us in the special bond we had.

Lindsey you made such and impact. You were special to so many people. You saved lives every day as a nurse. You gave me a life I had given up on ever living or thinking was even possible.

The weeks upcoming contain the days a year ago that would change us both forever. I am anticipating their anniversary with joy. The momentum of the beauty that transpired between us overtook all our fears, giving rise to a possibility that love could conquer all will sustain me. I will not surrender them to the blackness of grief.

We dared to dream them together. I dare to dream now alone.