January 8, 2015

It’s been a month now since Lindsey passed away. I’m still in bad way and don’t really know when I will be better and frankly most of the time I wonder IF I will ever be better. I know this though I will never be the same.

I learned a hard lesson years ago when I prayed so hard for something that I wanted more than anything and I knew what I was praying was actually what God wanted too. When it became clear that I was not going to get what I wanted I had to really take some time and try and understand how there could be this huge disconnect between something that I wanted and prayed for and that I would never be able to get. The occasion of this was coming home on a day that was one of the happiest days of my life at that point. I had called my wife earlier that day to say I would be home a bit later than I thought. I left a message on the answering machine. This was March 15 1994. The occasion was I had just picked up a new console for the new recording studio I had opened a month earlier with my friend and business partner. I left the message that my dreams were coming true, the studio was booked out for the next few weeks. We had a new piece of important gear and things were looking great for me professionally as it was my dream to own a studio and make records and demos for musicians. I told her (on the machine) it was one of the best days of my life.

I arrived home to a Dear John Letter, Literally it said:

Dear John.

The rest of it I cannot recall as all I knew was that my life as it were was over at that moment. She never really gave me a reason why. She had packed up the whole of her belongings and moved out In One Day. We never had a fight. Or a precipitating event. Or ANYTHING that would have caused this to be a solution to anything.
She was just gone.

This is what I referred to earlier about praying for her to return, knowing it to be God’s will that we try and save our marriage. Never had she even hinted she was going to leave if such and such things did not change. Never was there violence or abuse. Of course there were many things wrong in me and in her and in our marriage.

I said all that to say this: I prayed Hard. I cried a river of tears. I repented. I changed.
That week I closed my studio. I sold the gear to pay off debts. After a month I went from a skinny 130 to a creature that weighed 104 pounds.

But I found something incredible along the way. In my darkest moment I found God there with me. The broken life I handed him He gladly received. I had known God my entire life and had been in ministry for years and given myself to help others etc. But I had never known how desperate my need really was and in that naked broken moment the truth of my need changed me and here is what I learned.

Love is never in vain.
I will not always get what I want.
Love is never in vain.
Love is never in vain because to Love changes us
Love changed Me
Love is never in vain.

Lindsey changed me. My love for her changed me. Our love for each other changed me.
Love is never in vain.