Grief.

The saddest state of human-ness. The base narcissistic curled up fetal position miserable pain in which I find myself scares me and calls me to question every feeling and motive that stirs in my heart.

I feel guilty to be alive.

Then feel indited to feel that way. If I find a moment where I might per chance feel a bit better I end up feeling guilty about that feeling. ‘How dare I feel better? Lindsey, the love of a lifetime is dead’ and so begins again the crushing realization that I will never hear her lovely voice or see her beautiful eyes or breathe in the unmistakable scent of her that quickened my heart so many times.

There is no solace. No corner to hide. The lure of distraction. Of inebriation is ever present, but I know none of that will do anything really to remove this horror that is my present.

I have found at least a hundred pieces of paper in our house with notes or thoughts or lists that Lindsey made. Dozens of to-do lists or pro/con lists or ideas for business or things to do for our properties and many other types of notes and such. The odd scrap of paper from an old workbook, the remnants of an envelope  or back of a bill or receipt. Lindsey was a Millennial. She never used a new piece of paper when she could use a scrap piece and she Never used paper towels! Lindsey had capacities for multi tasking that far outstripped any other person I have ever known, hence her need for constant list and note taking.

One of the ones that touched me deeply was a list she made of all the things that were challenging her personally/emotionally/professionally at the time. It breaks my heart to read it now as it broke my heart to read it then. The list had bullet points of things causing her pain or sadness and then followed by how she thought best to respond to these feelings or challenges. She was so pragmatic and had learned thru years of struggle with depression and emotional overload to take her time and sort it out instead of just being tossed into a deep dark place. She also now had the rock of our love that was giving her courage to know we would face everything together.I found that list sometime after she made it and knew she was still looking at it daily and in the middle of that piece of paper I wrote this note to her:

*Life is full of what we attend to.

*Always remember, I Love You. You are Not alone. You are AMAZING!

below what I wrote I see she wrote:

‘oh my husband is the best!’

As with many things in a marriage. The mirror now reflects back on me. I have written here the terror of my feelings. I have not offered anything about how I might or should respond to them. But finding this note from my courageous wife today I find strength in how she let herself feel “everything” and yet also to state a plan of action with regard to those feelings. Also I let the mirror reflect back now too, to my very own words as is often again the case in a marriage.

*Life is full of what we attend to.

*Always remember that I Love you and you are AMAZING.

Lindsey, below your response to me on this note I wrote today.

‘oh my wife is the best’.